From Kitten to Cat: We Deserve Better Than That
Men often resort to animal references to describe women when they want to control or hurt them—bitch, cow, fox, horseface, and kitten among dozens more. Slurs by men disturb me, but more disturbing is the self-destructive behavior of one sister calling another catty, succumbing to this misogynistic insult. We need to change our language and bad habits if we’re to improve our status as women. We win equality (and teach men how it’s done) by accepting and celebrating our equality among ourselves. If we’re not on this journey together, then we deserve this divisive label. But we’re better than that and deserve better.
We define ourselves. Once we accept a self-deprecating label and let it inside our head, we lose control of our destinies. Being self-critical and critical of others will never level the playing field. Judging bodies—too fat, too skinny, too tall, too short—makes young women self-harm and older women exhausted. Judging boobs by the whims of the fashion means nothing in the eyes of a lover or a baby. Judging another’s brain power as brainless shows a lack of thought and insight and causes girls not to raise their hands and women not to lean in. Labelling a woman as a climber or show off encourages us to leave the power at the top in men’s hands. We define not only ourselves but each other.
Cattiness brings our sisters down, and our comments signal our own envy or self-criticism. Competing without harming ourselves and others makes us all stronger. Competing without cutting comments allows us to accept our body image and another’s, celebrate the intelligence of another woman and our own, appreciate whatever strength or vulnerability of another as important to them as to us. Getting past cattiness allows us to claim our rightful place as sisters, women who stand with not against each other. Name-calling has a long history, written by men. We’ve learned these labels by listening to men’s voices versus our own or by modeling our mothers caught in the tangle of competitive anxiety.
How we talk to our daughters (and our sons) sustains the status quo or remakes the future for girls and women. How often do we define a child by her cuteness rather than her kindness? How many times do we pit our children to compete with others rather than encourage them to support each other? Our culture promotes cattiness, a spit and scratch kind of game, rather than mutual appreciation and celebration of our individual and collective skills and accomplishments.
How we talk to each other face-to-face or behind closed doors strengthens or weakens us. How we think about each other unites us or divides us in spirit—thoughts form on our faces and in our eyes and cause confusion and self-doubt or clarity and encouragement. We’re better than the narratives sold to us by advertisers, movie moguls, and politicians. Catcalling and cruelty exploded in this past decade from every corner of the nation, sadly from women as well as men. Women need to become collaborators, play to each woman’s unique abilities, and utilize our supportive and intellectual skills to win the respect of our fellow women players. Together we gain power to define our futures. Divided we lose our best selves and remain cats in a dog’s world. Women need to form a team mentality for women to compete.
Women in sports show us the value of playing our status like a team sport. We see the strength of the team, the lion-hearted on the courts. The best plays take coordination, collaboration, and compromise. The best teams bow to each other’s strengths and protect the weak flanks. They play like a pride of lionesses. Women can use our minds and emotional muscle to protect and promote each girl and woman and celebrate her win and ours.
Lionesses help each other raise their young, hunt together, and harbor no hierarchy.[i] Self-preservation brings them together. Now is a time for self-preservation, to become a proud coalition of women, to shed those labels of kitten and cat and own the lioness in each of us. We can define our pride in womankind and call ourselves by the names we deserve.
Published in They Call Us Summer 2023